NO! NO! NO!

I’m so bloody sick of the red belt.

Girls, red means STOP for a reason.

This look is so tired.  I remember seeing Paris Hilton getting arrested in her skinny red belt LAST FREAKING YEAR!!! 

I’m over it.

Anyone caught wearing a red belt from now on will be arrested by the fasion police.

The freshest way to cinch your waist is the way Beyonce’s been spotted on numerous occassions: rockin’ the feminine CORSET BELT!

Beyonce knows how to accentuate her womanly curves in a classy, modern way.

Take notes, red belt wearers, the corset belt is what’s hot now!

The formerly red-hot red belt has cooled off and fizzled away.

Get over it.

Yes, I know this is an old picture of America’s Favorite Fashion victim.

But, my point is: the high-waisted, wide-leg jeans that have been popping up more and more are HEINOUS.

To me, this look screams “LOOK AT MY MOM JEANS!!!  DON’T I HAVE A LOVELY POUCH AND MATCHING CAMEL TOE???”

Leave the high-waisted, unflattering jeans to the Midwestern soccer moms.

They’re pretty much fashion lost causes, anyway!

Mid-length shorts are amazing.

They’re so versatile–they can be worn in the waning days of summer and into the warm days and cooler nights of fall.

They can be worn with heels, flats, or wedges.

The versatility is mind boggling!

But, please ladies–no sneakers with these shorts!!!

And gentlemen–this look is strictly for ladies only.

I am so, so, so happy that the lovely 1970’s trend of wedge heels are back! 

Wedges are adorable paired with basically any kind of bottom: long floaty skirt, short little mini, micro mini shorts, or even the new mid-thigh length shorts.

My favorite kind of wedge is the straw wedge peep-toe.  Looks chic and sexy–plus you can cheat on getting that bi-weekly pedicure a little bit when you can only see a little peep of your big toe.

The worst kind of wedge is anything made out of plastic–whether it’s clear plastic or any color plastic–you will look like an out of work stripper. 

 I don’t care if you saw Pam Anderson or Jenna Jameson wearing them–out of work stripper/porn star is not what a chic fashionista ought to look like.

Not on my watch.

Bottom line: wedges are hot–but no plastic unless you are actually a little blond doll made by Mattel.

The days of miles-long acrylic and gel nails are long over.

Because short, neat nails with clear, pale pink or pale peach polish are the new now nails.

This is an instance of when necessity was the mother of this fashion invention.

Let’s be honest, unless you’re an out-of-work/school loser, and even then, it’s hard to avoid using your hands all the time.

Whether it’s typing on your laptop, what kind of a modern woman wants to be all dainty and flip out every time their uber-long nails get chipped or break?

If you do–then I’m pretty sure we can’t be friends!

Next time you get your mani, make sure your claws won’t get in the way of your life.

Nails should work with you–not dictate how you live your life!

Short nails are today’s sign of a modern, independent, sexy woman.

Embrace the hotness of the shortness!!!

I understand that fake boobs look nice on bikini models.

But, every time I see fake boobs in real life I laugh at the girl with bags filled with goo sewn into her chest.

First of all, everyone can tell they’re fake and when people see you, all they will talk/think about you behind your back is how fake your boobs look.  I don’t care how nice, smart, or how great of a personality you have.  The only impression you’re making is that you’re someone who’s dumb enough to pay for fake boobs.  If you have them, don’t fool yourself into thinking yours “look real” or “are proportionate.”

Fake is fake.  And as I always say, with fashion, NEVER, EVER be someone who is caught with a fake!

And girlfriend, I’m like Anna Wintour let loose in a purse stand in Chinatown, I’m such a hawkish fake spotter!

Say no to faux!

That means purses, shoes, jewelry, boobs…everything!

No to faux!

The logo bag/shoe/whatever is my LEAST favorite trend that I see every single day. 

Unless you’re getting paid to be a billboard, you should never wear anything with huge logos all over it.

I’m talking to you, Little Miss “I think wearing my Coach purse with a million C’s all over it makes me look classy.”

News flash: it doesn’t.

You look desperate to let people know that you’re wearing a certain designer.

Fashion should never be a sign of desperation.

Classiness doesn not radiate from the logos of Prada or Louis Vuitton or Coach.

If you want to look classy, buying designer is fabulous, as long as you’re not announcing to the world, “HI I’M HERE AND MY BAG IS MADE BY XXX AND COST $XXXX PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE ACCEPT ME!!!”

Desperation is never in style, darlings.

Is your name Pepe le Pew?  Are you a lovelorn French skunk who starred in Looney Tunes way back in the day?

No?

OK, then there is no reason for your mane to look like the poor, lost soul featured above.

I love highlights.  They can delicatey illuminate a beautiful head of hair and perfectly frame your face.

They can breathe shiny, new life into mousy, dull hair.

But, they can also make you look like you just couldn’t decide which color to dye your hair so you dyed it both colors.

If you’re going to go for highlights, pick a shade that accentuates your base shade. 

In the world of fashion, clashing is always a bad idea.  The same is true with hair color.

Don’t do the chunky blond highlights, unless you seriously think it looks fierce. 

In which case, you’re most likely trailor trash from the early 1990’s.