Listen up.  Unless you fall into at least one of the following categories, you should never carry this bag:

(A) You are Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham

(B) You want to look like you’re carrying Cousin It’s decapitated head attached to a leather strap

(C) You love the “I killed a muppet to make my bag” look

The designers at Prada are secretly laughing at every woman they see who actually was stupid enough to fork over 3 grand for this heinous fringey mess.

The Fringe Fest is an annual event every August Edinburgh, Scotland. 

It shouldn’t be your handbag, too.

The first picture is what you don’t want to look like.

The second picture is the totally hot roman sandal trend.

I’m a huge fan of flats–especially for you tall, leggy girls who don’t need to torture your feet in 6 inch heels to look hot–and the roman sandal is amazing. It looks fresh and chic and no matter which style you choose, you’ll look fashionable.

But, remember–just because you’re wearing shoes styled after the roman gladiators, doesn’t mean you should start getting all Russell Crowe crazy on us. They’re just shoes, after all…

Ladies, take notes.  This is the right way to wear opaque tights.

The opaque tights are huge this fall.  If you’re going to attempt this tricky trend, you better do it right, or you’ll look like a goth weirdo.

When wearing opaque tights like the ones above, whether they’re black, brown, or whatever…you MUST wear a skirt or a dress that is a different color from your tights.

For example…no black opaque tights and black dress.  Unless you’re trying to look like Morticia.

Listen. 

I’m all about experimenting with different silhouttes and cuts.

But, I cannot approve of a look that even looks unflattering on the models.

The bubble skirt is really a fashion-forward idea–I believe it was inspired from tutus.  Think of the ballerinas immortalized in all those gorgeous Degas paintings. 

Sounds flouncy and romantic and beautiful in theory.

But, the tutu idea doesn’t translate well with the recent mid-thigh bubble skirt trend.

The wide, bubbly cut would make a skeleton’s ankles look like thick cankles.

Leave bubbles out of skirts, and save them for the champagne!

I’m so glad the oversized cocktail ring is back…every hour you’re wearing a cocktail ring is happy hour! 

Whether or not you’re over 21, you too can drink in the joys of the colorful cocktail ring.

My favorite is a striking oversized stone set in a platinum or silver worn on the pointer finger.  NEVER the ring finger, please.

Even if you’re not a drinker–you need one of these. 

But like drinkable cocktails, moderation is the key to cocktail rings.

There’s nothing sadder than a drunken, pathetic fashion victim…wearing more than one cocktail ring.

PLEASE DRINK COCKTAILS RESPONSIBLY. 

AND PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE ONLY WEAR ONE COCKTAIL RING AT A TIME.

Generally, I tend to frown upon trends where people ask you if you’ve varnished yourself with office supplies.

Specifically, I am referring to white nail polish.

I’ve seen tons of poor fashion victims coat their grubby little fingernails in the stuff.  And I can’t tell the difference between white nailpolish and white-out. 

What’s next? 

Maybe these wannabes should try dyeing their hair with ink from the office printer.

Nail polish shouldn’t look like you’re trying to cover up typos you made on your nails, girlfriend!

OK–I’m officially fashion outlawing black leggings.

You might think you look like the first picture, all long, lean and sexy, when you squeeze yourself into those little black leggings.

But the truth is, you probably look a lot more like the second picture. 

When plump, suburban housewives from the midwest with mousy sensible midwestern bobs start wearing a look like black leggings–you know the trend has gone to its final resting place.

Black leggings are so two seasons ago.  Move on.  It’s time.

I’ve been seeing some woefully fashion-inept celebs and fashionista wannabes rockin’ the white sunglasses lately. 

I can’t say I’m a huge fan.

Anything that looks like something a 9 year old would wear in 1989 is generally a fashion no-no in my opinion.

Seriously–what kind of fashion statement are you trying to make in white sunglasses? 

“I’m going to Chuck E. Cheez after I finish this juice box?”  If you think this fashion statement’s sexy, you’re a pedophile.  

When it comes to white sunglasses–just say no.  Or if you must, buy a cheap pair.  ‘Cause if you go out and splurge on a pricey pair of white sunglasses you’re going to be pissed in, like, 10 minutes when La Lohan, Gwen Stefani and Kirsten Dunst realize they look like idiots wearing them.

I’ve got chiiiiiiiiiills–they’re multiplyin’ and I’m loooooooooosin’ controoooool.

Fergie–you don’t look “glamorous, glamorous” in this borrowed skin-tight look.

Your body is lookin’ fierce, but when you wear this outfit, it looks like you’re wearing a halloween costume–dressing up as Sandy from “Grease.”  Your style’s your own; it’s funky and it’s modern–don’t go borrowing tired looks from the past.

Anyhoo….you strike us as more of a Rizzo than a Sandy. 

Sandy would never do meth!

Here’s a pic of Jessica Simspon leaving dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steak House in LA, where she dined with Vivica A. Fox, her co-star from her upcoming film, Major Movie Star.

Jess, darling, you look fabulous in the white dress and matching shoes.

But, notice the Yves Saint Laurent Mombasa bag. The handle is made out of REAL DEAR HORN. So not cool to encourage animal cruelty, Jessica.

If we’re being honest–Girlfriend’s basically brain dead anyway…I’m sure she was asking “Is this a rhino horn that I have? Or is it deer?” She probably ate chicken for dinner thinking it was tuna.

We can forgive the ditziness–but we cannot forgive such a savage display of a fashion no-no. Who are you Wilma Flintstone???